I used to identify myself with my role as coach and what that meant to me in terms of the success I achieved. So my success or lack of it informed my role-identity and my sense-of-self. My sense-of-self depended on the degree of success I achieved or rather my vague definition of it. Needless to say, this was a roller-coaster ride of note.
When things went well, I was at a high and when they did not… Well, let’s just say, it was not pretty. Because I energized the fear, lack and disappointments far more than the little spec of appreciation I gave to any sign of success, the former experiences increased dramatically.
Then I learned what I was doing and creating. I was confusing my self-worth with my self-confidence and because of that I was making everything I did about me instead of about the activity.
I took things personally and that made life around me difficult for others. I could not handle any form of feedback, seeing it as criticism and personal attacks, no matter how constructively or diplomatically it was delivered.
When I started practicing the process of seeing my sense-of-self, my self-worth as unconditional and separate from what I do and have, I started feeling more at peace and in control of myself. I ceased taking things personally and found it easy to face and talk about my “mistakes and failures”.
This is indeed extremely liberating! Now it is not about me, it is about the business and all the functions of it. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not a failure because I don’t meet my goals. It is about the skills of running the business and the actions I am taking to meet my goals.
That said, it is your sense-of-self that drives your behaviour and determines your outcomes. Your beliefs about yourself and about your skills and capabilities result in how you feel – your mind-body states – and that will determine how you respond and the actions you take. To take this a step further, your mind-body state determines the quality and effectiveness of your response and the subsequent outcome or consequences of your response.
So, it makes sense to have a Robust Sense-of-Self, a set of beliefs about yourself, capabilities, skills, clients, business, failure, success, etc. that pull you forward. You want your mindset to inspire you to take the next step even if you may not succeed fully, even if you screw up totally. It’s to set yourself up to win and get the outcomes you desire.
Jim Rohn coined the formula, “E + R = O. Event + Response = Outcome”. If you want to achieve a different Outcome, the only thing you can change is your Response, because you have no control over the Event, referring to any external scenario, person or thing.
The only way to change your Response is to change your Mind-Body State and the only way to do that is to change your meanings about the Event. Meanings include thoughts, beliefs, intentions, decisions, etc.
Another practice that create a winning mindset is to adopt principles like:
- there is no failure only feedback
- there are a million possibilities in every moment
- there is always a way and it will reveal itself
- everything happens for me
- everything is always working out for me
allows you to be open to explore the lessons and positives of experiences that you can make for you in future.
The last practice I would like to mention here is that of Counting. Too often we only have our eyes fixed on the destination and the final prize that we completely forget to enjoy the journey of getting there. It is in enjoying the journey of getting to our destination that keeps us inspired and growing in our consciousness of ourselves and as creators. Because pursuing any vision is not about the end-goal, but about who we become in achieving that.
When we enjoy and celebrate our small advances, we are most likely to dance with joy over the bigger achievements. It is also true that when we discount the small advances as insignificant, we will most probably not recognize the bigger achievements, always feeling unsatisfied and chasing the next big goal.
So let me summarize on how to set yourself up to win:
- Create a Robust Sense-of-Self with a set of beliefs that support your grandest version of yourself.
- Practice to separate your self-worth from what you do or have.
- Live by principles that allow the strengthening of a healthy relationship with yourself.
- Count every smallest victory of anything and everything going right.
- Look for the positives in every scenario.
- Remember E+R=O: Change your meanings about a challenge in order to change your mind-body state that will allow you to change your response and have the outcome you desire.